a fearful sadness,
a tide withdraws, hope dissolves,
desert conditions.
just because I made
a goal, a spring bud, is no
guarantee of change.
grey seems much too strong
a colour to express any
hoped intimacy.
is this supposed to
fall into inevitable
guilt free conclusion.
how can we ever
hope to meet, again, if we
cannot talk at all.
I feel like every word
it supposed to make it all
inevitable.
At first
the body of green breath and bird song
holds me as I walk
familiar resistance to move and sweat
fading as my rapid fire thoughts
space out
in time
to blue sky and wind.
Relaxation
and stillness
are a relief; medicine.
I feel my heartbeat quicken,
dog happiness panting beside me
hunting out
everything hidden
in grass and soil and fallen wood.
The wildness settles over me like a balm but I remember, suddenly,
that I am domesticated
raised to be an exile
to nature.
breathing, beating heart
and barking dogs
cannot keep anxious thoughts
at bay:
I am alone
and
a woman
and
the forest
is a perfect crime scene.
Memories of movies intrude
over the verdant surrounds
the woman's body there in the undergrowth,
a hand,
a torn skirt,
a bruised face
staring
dead-eyed
into camera
waiting for police, yellow tape,
and headlines.
I could die today, says my mind.
I could go
for a walk with dogs and die.
As easy as that.
As easy as breathing.
Flickering images of fate swarm over me.
My body is a question
my mind tries to answer
could my legs run fast enough?
Would my arms be strong enough?
The trees have thickened,
the spaces seem larger-
more sinister
the greens darker.
Can instincts
still overide
unending anxiety
how do you
plan to prevent
the unimaginable,
which is not
unthinkable.
A white-picket family
breaks through
the silence
of birdsong
of tree growth
up the path
ahead.
The father sails in front,
wife and daughter
the wake
signifiers
that, at least publically,
women can survive this man.
We witness each other
in passing
The sound of their
crunching feet fade
I wonder
how far the sound
of my scream
could travel
to reach them
Or if I'd be silent
With his disappearance
the safety
he briefly bestowed
dissolves.
Images of other men
past and future
skulk in the shadows
roaming
from a girl's forest grave 2 minutes away, projecting
out of pollsmoor prison
slithering
out of the
high-walled
high-end
hill-side
houses.
2 women and their dogs
arrive on the horizon
we wash past each other
like a tide of temporary safety
and recede.
My steps measure
only the distance
to the parking
rambling alone
has lost
any adventure
I arrive back
at the shiny red car
key ready.
look around.
alarm off.
My moms voice
mingling with relief
in my mind
unchanged from adolescence
Never walk alone
it's not safe.
Stay out of the woods.
Watch out for wolves.
